Another Mother's Day arrives tomorrow. I will always be a mother of three and celebrate that everyday. But it will always be a bittersweet day for me no matter how many years pass.
This year seems laden with more sorrow and helplessness than one family should have to shoulder.
Just when we begin to laugh and smile again without the guilt (almost) or think what a beautiful day it is without the immediate after thoughts of doubt, something else seems to rear it's ugly head and shout, "You didn't think it was going to get easier, did you!?"
What is this? This is the life other people have, the life you look at and think how grateful you are to have what you have and not be in that situation. But now it seems people look at us and think that.
Or do they wonder why? Why do terrible things happen to good people?
We are good people. We are decent people. We are moral people. We are mothers and brothers and aunts and uncles and grandmas and grandpas and cousins and friends who just work hard, live simply, try to do the right thing, and love deeply. So why? I have no answers.
I want to live up to what you asked of all of us, but then I think you couldn't have known how hard this would be. And yet, through my most painful heartache and tears, I realize that you could know, because with as much pain as we are in and when I think we can't take any more, I remember that your pain was expedentially worse. Ours does not compare and I know that in my heart, but that doesn't make it hurt less. We miss you every second of every minute of every day of every week of every month of every year. And that will never change. Closure does not exist when you lose your daughter the way I lost you. Closure is a word that should be relegated to the "Outta Here" box.

"Seriously? You had a doll made from my picture? Kinda creepy, Mama. But... thanks."

 

 

Graduation 1998

So, tomorrow I will celebrate knowing it is what you want and what Kameron, Kenton and K.C. deserve from a mother who cherishes and loves every moment with them. But know that at evening's end, I will still do my silly dance under the moonlight for you and look up to the heavens to find you. I know you'll be waiting.