Snow Angel

                                                             Snow Angel by Tori Amos

Your Aunt Jill, Uncle Mike and Cousin Shannon visited your tree after the snowfall. They made this beautiful angel for you. They love you and miss you. Who's going to give them a bad time when they go to June Lake?

Unsinkable

Mom took this to submit for a writing contest and no, I didn't know Dennis the Menace was in the shot!

When I was 12, my parents gave me a beautiful, powder blue stereo (BIG deal at the time!). I was the envy of the neighborhood! It had removable speakers! Although Beatlemania was growing faster than my brother Mike's hair, they gave me two other popular albums, one by The Beach Boys and the other by the King, Elvis. I loved them and played them over and over (and over and over). The best feature on the record player was when you lifted the arm, it would just replay the records over and over (and over and over). Not so popular with the folks, however, especially when I played The Eve of Destruction until I wore it out.  So they gave me a gift certificate to purchase additional records. Did I go for the number one record, the smash hit, the Top 40? No. I bought the soundtrack to The Unsinkable Molly Brown.
On my 13th birthday, Mom drew a special birthday card for me with her take on an old joke.  It showed me knee deep shoveling a pile of manure while my family stood by and watched. The speech bubble over my mom's head read, "What are you doing, Bambi?" "Well", my speech bubble proclaimed, "with all this shit, there must be a pony in here somewhere!" .
Once, when something bad had happened, (I don't even recall what it was, so there you are, get over-able!), I was struggling to show how it wasn't so bad. Your dad finally said, "Honey, there is no silver lining here, no matter how badly you want it."
I still want to believe in being unsinkable, I want Pollyanna to live on, I want acts of kindness not to be so random, I want somewhere over the rainbow to be true, I want the little white butterflies to really be you fluttering by, I want the star that shines so bright to be your nightly message...

Trailer for The Unsinkable Molly Brown 1964

Speaking Words of Wisdom, Let It Be

I haven't examined my beliefs in a very long time. I know I always believed in karma. (I can hear you sighing, "You hippie!")
The official definition of karma is

- The sum of a person's actions in this and previous states of existence, viewed as deciding their fate in future existences.

- Destiny or fate, following as effect from cause.

A few weeks before you were born, I was standing in the teacher's lounge, slowly swaying and patting the bottom of the stack of books I was holding. "Getting ready for another one?" one of my colleagues asked. I hadn't realized I was "smiling and rocking the baby", so to speak. Then he said, "Wow, you must have done some great things in your past lives. You have your beautiful son, another baby on the way, your dream job, your own business with your husband and you are building your own log home!" It didn't dawn on me that life should be any different than this. "Well, isn't that how life is supposed to be? Karma?" I answered.  Now I question Karma because if your previous actions dictate your present, then what explains what happened to you, to us, to this life? And where is the Karma for the evil ones? You did nothing to deserve what happened, in this life or previously, and that I know for sure. Everything else that happened to our family, to our lives are all what I thought of as "get over-ables". This never will be, will it? So I think I'll go with your dad's bumper sticker that said "My Karma Ate Your Dogma" It seems to make as much sense as anything I can come up with on these lonely nights when I am missing you so much I cannot breathe.
I realized when I was talking to Kenton this week about my personal philosophies, many of my beliefs come from Beatle's lyrics. And why not? Genius is genius in any form and the wisdom of their words have always been with me. Let It Be was our high school graduation song in 1970.
These are only a few of my Beatles Philosophies;

Little Darlin, it's been a long, cold, lonely winter,

Little Darlin, it seems like years since it's been here,

Here comes the sun

Here comes the sun

and I say

It' alright....

Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da, life goes on.

My favorite two, side by side;

All you need is love, love is all you need.

And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.

Limitless undying love which shines around me like a million suns, it calls me on and on across the universe.

Little child, little child, won't you come dance with me?

We all want to change the world, but when you talk about destruction, don't you know that you can count me out.

Yesterday, all my troubles seem so far away..

And for you, my sweet girl,

Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly. All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arrive, you were only waiting for this moment to be free.

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

The Beatles Live

Que Sera, Sera

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be?
Will I be pretty, will I be rich?
Here's what she said to me,

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

When I was young, I fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead,
Will we have rainbows, day after day
Here's what my sweetheart said,

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

Now I have children of my own
They ask their mother, what will I be
Will I be handsome, will I be rich
I tell them tenderly,

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

My mom sang this song to me throughout my life, even when I was a mother myself. I remember hearing her beautiful voice singing it to my brothers as well. When you were little, I sang it to you. When you learned the words, we sang it together. I know now when we stopped singing it and my heart aches for what that loss truly represented in your life. We also sang "You are My Sunshine" in perfect harmony! When you heard someone else singing it for their child the first time, you were quite perturbed that they had "stolen our song"! When I explained that many mothers probably considered this one of their songs, you thought about it for a long moment, then said that it was okay because none of them ever sang the other versus. There are many, including the one about crayfish and gumbo, but we usually sang the first two out of order. Now the second verse makes me sadder than I ever thought possible from a song and I hang my head and cry.

You Are My Sunshine
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away

The other night, dear,
As I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms.
When I awoke, dear,
I was mistaken
And I hung my head and cried.


                                                  

Doris Day "Que Sera, Sera"


Johnny and June Cash "You Are My Sunshine"

And...the Ray Charles version!

Kennasent

I'm not sure where to begin with this Kennasent moment. Yesterday I found a little paper origami box you made. Inside I found an old silver pine cone charm of mine that you had put on a chain to wear as a necklace. I carried it into the kitchen to polish it and on the floor in the hallway was a real pine cone. It was the one I picked up under a tall pine tree after we had scattered your ashes. So I placed it next to your angels and candles and pictures on the sideboard and just thought it was a sweet coincidence, as I hadn't seen either for over a year. Did you think I didn't get the message clearly enough? Because this afternoon, I took Kenton to our dentist, Dr. Chris. He met you once and you had an impact on him even then. Last summer, when I told Dr. Chris about you, he kneeled down and cried. Today, on the waiting room table was the newest issue of People magazine. It must have arrived today because it had the "not guilty verdict" for Casey Anthony in it and that just happened two days ago. Thankfully, the cover was not of Casey Anthony but quite the opposite. The picture was of a woman who overcame unspeakable odds not only to to survive but to become a mother. It was a full page picture of Jaycee Dugard with a small insert of the picture at age 11 that resembled you at the age. Inside was an excerpt of her book "A Stolen Life". It was unbearable to read so I turned the page, thinking I would buy it and read it later. And on the next page was a full page picture of a beautiful young women wearing the same silver pine cone necklace and holding an identical real pine cone in her hand. A pine cone was the last thing she touched before her abduction. She said they have special meaning for her and are the "seeds of new life". Message received loud and clear, my girl!

The Sun, the Moon, the Stars

 My three most precious treasures, my sun, my moon, my star.

 Kameron was my sun because the world just revolved around him, as it should with first babies! He is my sun-son! He made parenting look so easy and I wanted to have 10 more! He ate well, slept like a baby, and we could take him anywhere! Your dad took him in a front pack for a walk every day across the street to the Forest Service Complex and they watched the same nature films dozens of times. He was so smart and so articulate that he seemed like a tiny adult at times. The first time my mom held him, she said he was a special child who had an important reason for being here. When he took care of her during the days after her brain surgery, she thought that was the reason, at least for her at that time, and she called him her hero. I know he was yours every day of your life. I'm so glad you told him so.
 You were my star from the minute you arrived. From the twinkle in your beautiful blue eyes to the your play acting to both of us stargazing as we never (let me say that again) never slept more than a few cat naps here and there for one whole year. The doctor told me to keep a journal of when you slept. When I showed it to him, he exclaimed, "Well, no wonder you aren't sleeping, you are always writing!" Even Grandma Rake didn't believe me, so Cheryl and I went to stay with her for a visit. She told me to go lay down and she and Cheryl would watch you and Kameron. 16 hours later, I awoke and she said, "Did you know this little stinker only closes her eyes and nods off for 10 minutes at a time? She is as good as can be and just smiles and looks around, but we are exhausted!" So, my little one, we had many nights of stargazing, rocking and singing. Then, of course, there were your many star tattoos. I loved your wristlets but my favorite is the one on your right front shoulder to cover the "It was just a mistake" tattoo.
 Kenton, of course is my moon. He was so easy going and so loved and was cared for by so many as a baby. When you both helped deliver him, you were the first to hold him and you said it was the only time in your life (at 5 years old!) when you laughed and cried at the same time. He went through a crying phase for a few months and you were the only one who could comfort Scooter and turn his tears to laughter. We were all "over the moon" for him when he was born. You, of course, thought he "hung the moon" and over the years you talked about his creativeness and his genius. He is constant yet ever changing, which I love! There are so many phases of The Boy and I can't wait to see each one.

 KC was the first to see you as a butterfly so I think she needs to be included in my sun, moon and stars world. Perhaps as the butterfly that needs all three, who basks and glows in their light and surrounds them. Kameron gave her a Tiffany butterfly necklace on their wedding day. What do you think?

Shoot for the moon and if you miss, you'll still be among the stars. Les Brown

I always loved this quote but it has deeper meaning for me now. So I'll keep shooting for the moon until I can join you among the stars. Goodnight, sweetheart.

Kenna, KC, Kameron and Kenton

Never Pass a Lemonade Stand

Today I met Cheryl (Aunt Chebyl to you) for lunch. We had a lovely time and laughed and sighed over Kenna stories. On the way home, I passed a small lemonade stand on our street. I turned around and went back. Even though it was later in the day, the girls screeched and said "Are you going to buy our lemonade? You're our first costumer!" Well, of course I was going to have their lemonade because I taught you all early on never pass a lemonade stand for a myriad of reasons. You continued that tradition and told all family members to heed that rule or else! When we had your celebration of life, your Uncle Mike and Aunt Jill and Cousin Chris were driving up from Santa Rosa, as they had many times. When they got to our street, they inexplicably took a wrong turn and came upon a lemonade stand. Heeding your words, they stopped and bought lemonade. They brought me a cup as well. Your Aunt Jill spoke of it at your celebration as a sign that your were with us. It was such a Kenna thing to do on such an overwhelmingly emotional day.

So today, I drank a cup in your honor and gave them a twenty dollar bill I had in my pocket. When they jumped up and hugged me, I realized one was dressed in a crayon suit and the other in banana suit. "Now who does that sound like?" I thought. Another "In your face" moment brought to you by Kenna.

Return to Me

When Jaycee Lee Dugard was found in late August of 2009, you called me at school to tell me. You were ecstatic and happy and marveling at the miracle of it all. When I came home, you were crying as the details became available because they were just so overwhelming and devastating. You  were eleven years old and in a local television show at the time of her abduction. You and your TV news reporter partner traveled to South Lake Tahoe to interview Jaycee's parents. They were so broken and so understandably desperate to find her. Her mother kept looking at you and then remarked that you looked so much like Jaycee. You were the same age, size, and had the same hair and eye color. You had freckles and healed over pierced ear holes just like Jaycee. And you both had that gap between your front teeth. Her mother asked if you would consider making a reenactment film of her abduction. I did not want you to because it seemed like it would be such a traumatic event. But you kept insisting that it's what I would want if you were missing, to have anyone help anyway they could. And there was no talking you out of it. We came back a few days later and the whole scene at their house had changed to a "set". When they dressed you in Jaycee's clothes and took you up to the top of the hill to practice having the car block you as you were walking to the bus stop, it was surreal. There were cameras and crews at the top and bottom of the hill. We were down below watching on a small monitor. When Kameron saw it as it was acted out, it apparently became very real for him. Even though he knew intellectually it was acting and you were not in harm's way, he instinctively took off running up that long, steep hill. And, as fast as he was, he could not reach you in time. That's when we knew the stepfather was telling the truth, that he had tried to run to her but was too late. Unfortunately, after all the years she was missing, many people felt he must be guilty and the truth would never be known. It turned out to be worse that anyone had imagined. But you remembered that incident with your hero, Kameron,  and after she was found, you said that now people will know he was an innocent, grieving dad all along. You were angry that the kidnappers plead not guilty and would put Jaycee and her family through a long trial. Well, at the last minute, they both plead guilty and on June 2, 2011, Philip Garrido was sentenced to 431 years imprisonment; his wife received 36 years to life. Justice? You and I know there is none in these heinous cases. I'm so sorry there was no justice for you. In a twist of irony that you would find funny and infuriating at the same time, I was called for jury duty soon after your passing. I checked the box to be excused due to a death in the immediate family. I then received a request for a copy of your death certificate which I mailed immediately. A few months later, guess what arrived in the mail? A jury summons for you! I was amazed that the system that wouldn't help me when I wanted a missing persons report filed could spend time, money and resources to require your presence at that dreaded courthouse even after they had received your death certificate. So, just so you know, since the followup paperwork appears not to have made it back to them (hmmm), there's a notice for you to appear for not doing your civic duty. Wow, our Kenna, a fugitive from justice. Irony at it's best and worst. Kameron posted on his Facebook page that it probably wouldn't be a good idea for them to show up at your mother's house looking for you.

Ritorno a me
Cara mia, ti amo
Solo tu, solo tu, solo tu
Solo tu, mio cuore

Dean Martin's Return to Me


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_mqIaWKsBQ&feature=related