Another Mother's Day arrives tomorrow. I will always be a mother of three and celebrate that everyday. But it will always be a bittersweet day for me no matter how many years pass.
This year seems laden with more sorrow and helplessness than one family should have to shoulder.
Just when we begin to laugh and smile again without the guilt (almost) or think what a beautiful day it is without the immediate after thoughts of doubt, something else seems to rear it's ugly head and shout, "You didn't think it was going to get easier, did you!?"
What is this? This is the life other people have, the life you look at and think how grateful you are to have what you have and not be in that situation. But now it seems people look at us and think that.
Or do they wonder why? Why do terrible things happen to good people?
We are good people. We are decent people. We are moral people. We are mothers and brothers and aunts and uncles and grandmas and grandpas and cousins and friends who just work hard, live simply, try to do the right thing, and love deeply. So why? I have no answers.
I want to live up to what you asked of all of us, but then I think you couldn't have known how hard this would be. And yet, through my most painful heartache and tears, I realize that you could know, because with as much pain as we are in and when I think we can't take any more, I remember that your pain was expedentially worse. Ours does not compare and I know that in my heart, but that doesn't make it hurt less. We miss you every second of every minute of every day of every week of every month of every year. And that will never change. Closure does not exist when you lose your daughter the way I lost you. Closure is a word that should be relegated to the "Outta Here" box.

"Seriously? You had a doll made from my picture? Kinda creepy, Mama. But... thanks."

 

 

Graduation 1998

So, tomorrow I will celebrate knowing it is what you want and what Kameron, Kenton and K.C. deserve from a mother who cherishes and loves every moment with them. But know that at evening's end, I will still do my silly dance under the moonlight for you and look up to the heavens to find you. I know you'll be waiting.

I know we have the most wonderful friends and they support us in so many ways, but today they all went the extra mile (pun intended!) to help us on this journey. K.C. started Team Kenna Lindsay for the National Association of Mental Illness "NAMI Walk" to honor you. What an awesome tribute. We walked to bring awareness to this issue that affects every family everyday.
It was a perfectly beautiful, sunny, soft breezy day to walk together in the park. And at the conclusion, without asking, our friends said they will be back next year. I couldn't speak. Even now when I write those words, it makes me teary.
Your aunt Chebyl came and next year she's bringing her dogs! The Charlie's Angels girls and school friends came; Debi, Robin, Vickie, Pat, Lynn, Jennie and her daughter and husband! Karin and her girls came even after Paige broke her foot just the day before and her mom and your brother took turns pulling her in the wagon. Violet built a beautiful Fairy Garden in the park. Kenton and Jenna and Kameron and K.C. and Mina and Mama represented you with love and a little limping!
So many others walked with us in spirit and donated to the cause. K.C. raised over $1,200.00 in your name! Blessings come in all forms. You will never be forgotten, Kenna Lindsay.

                                                    Team Kenna Lindsay April 27, 2013

Go Ask Alice

I left school at the end of the day with the full intention to return and get things ready for Open House. But something made me turn my car down a side street I never take from school. As I drive, thinking, "Okay, now you are just going to get lost and waste time again...",  I turn on the radio and it starts playing White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane.
"So down the rabbit hole I go, but at least you are by my side." I whisper out loud as I laugh and silently thank you for a funny moment in a long day. Then I turn onto another new street and what ran across right in front of my car? A white rabbit. "Shut the front door!"  I shout and laugh  incredulously. A white rabbit. Of course it did. A white rabbit! What was it doing in this residential neighborhood just hopping across the street? I pull over and get out to take a picture as it ran back across the street, stopping in the middle as if to listen to the song blaring from the car, turned and looked right at me, then continued on its journey under the fence. Of course it did.

"There is no use in trying." said Alice, "One can't believe in impossible things."
"I dare say you haven't had much practice. " said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

I believe.

Why This Song?

 I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up...

Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

Snow Patrol