My Favorite Things

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens,
bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens,
brown paper packages tied up with string,
these are a few of my favorite things...

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes,
snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes,
silver white winters that melt into springs,
these are a few of my favorite things..

When the dog bites
when the bee stings
when I'm feeling bad,
I simply remember my favorite things
and then I don't feel so bad..

Ever word in this song reflects some of our favorite things, doesn't it? We use to sing it together until you would say "Okay, enough, Mary Poppins!" (It was Julie Andrews, but, from The Sound of Music.) I wish not feeling so bad had such a simple solution. Your favorite line was "whiskers on kittens" and I assume that was because of your love of kittens and cats. You were never without one. Remember the little one you brought home from a trip to the grocery store, without asking if it was okay, and I backed over it with the car that very night? Fortunately, she survived. When your beloved Baby died after your birthday last year, I know your heart was broken beyond repair. You said you were handling it better than you thought you would, but I knew better. She was your comfort, your buddy, your sleeping kitty, your confidant. She was a gift of comfort from your friends following your nightmare. How could you be alright? Lil Bear walked around crying for a few weeks wondering where she had gone and that was so sad for you to see. You asked me to "take care of Rascal and Lil Bear" when you left us. Lil Bear walked around again for weeks and just cried a mournful cry that I had never heard. She didn't understand where the only "Mama" she ever had was gone. There was no comforting her. I cried every time she did because I couldn't comfort her. She slept on your bed for months. Finally, she started to sleep under my chin because Rascal had already claimed my hip! Rascal began to experience kidney failure as 19 year old cats tends to do at that age. Kenton and I gave her the treatments for many. many weeks that consisted of intravenous fluid injections nightly, hormone shots and antibiotics. Kenton stepped up to do the injections because I just couldn't. Thank goodness he was here. She felt a little better but the vet finally said further treatments would not save her. She made it to 20 and then, with great sadness, Kenton and Kameron and I were with her when she was put to rest. I think she just missed you and needed to go and find you. Her ashes will be placed around your tree in June Lake. Lil Bear again walked around crying, looking for the last member of her only family. Now Kenton and I are her family and she is a very indulged cat. She gets wet food and dry food and kitty treats (I know! I know what you said but...). Having been raised in the snow with you her whole life, she had quite a time getting use to this funny green stuff on the ground. She chases falling leaves! She keeps watch out for birds and skunks. Luckily, she hasn't caught either! She has a new collar with skulls that Kenton picked out knowing you'd like it!  But, like that infamous picture of you biting their whiskers and noses, I just can't bring myself to do that. I hope I am fulfilling your last request. We miss you all...

Follow the Yellow Brick Road

When your Great Grandma Rake died, we found an old-fashioned scrapbook that we had made for her. The poem we wrote in 1983 is in the front cover.

Our mommy helped us make this book
so we could share with you
some of the fun we have each day,
year in and year out, too!

We know we grow so much each year
and time goes by so fast,
so we send this gift to you
to help make memories last.

We hope it will render smiles
and bring us closer to you
across the mountains and miles
we send our love to you!

And when you get to missing us
or feeling a little blue,
just open up this special book
and feel us there with you!

Hugs and Kisses,
Kameron and Kenna

It had traced copies of your little hands and feet and I had printed Crackups from Kenna and Kameron Quotes on them. Neither of your toes ever changed except for growing a little larger!

Crackups from Kenna:

When Kameron was sent to his room for sticking his tongue out at Mom (!), Kenna sat quietly thinking. After a few eyebrow furrowing moments, she looked up very seriously and said, "Mama, when I do this (stuck out her tongue), I'm not really sticking out my tongue. It just means my tongue needs some fresh air!"  Age 3

"Witched" Witch (after seeing the Wizard of Oz Wicked Witch)
Piggy Pack (Piggy Back)
Pack-Pack (Backpack)
Dolly Dolly (Holly Hobby doll)
Pit (put)
Bag ("Did you try to beg?")
Tarred (tired)
Lobster, rooster (Her new hampster)
Hide and Sink
Are you sure there aren't any sharps in this pool? (Sharks!)
Her favorite outfit:
Pink-striped Overhauls and black shiny tapping leather shoes!

Quotes from Kameron

"Mom, when I grow up, I'm going to be an archeotect and dig up old things!"
Mom: "Well, hon, that sounds pretty neat. But I think an archeologist digs up old things and an architect draws blueprints and plans."
Kameron: "I know and I'm gonna draw up the plans so we know where to dig up the old stuff!"
Age 4

Mom (30 and aging fast..) "Boy, Kameron, I sure would like to just stay home from work and watch this old movie on tv today."
Kameron: "Well, Mom, so would I, but you know, that's just the way life is!"
Age 5

On aforementioned birthday, Mom and Kameron were pulled over by a CHP Officer. He asked to see my license. Kameron leaned over me to look up at him and asked, "Are you gonna arrest my mom?" "No, son." replied the officer. "Good!" said Kameron with an audible sigh, "because I don't know how to drive this car home!" Age 5 1/2

While riding up the chairlift towards the ski slopes with Kameron, I was casually swinging my dangling legs back and forth. He gave me a very funny look and said quite seriously, "Mom, these chairlifts have motors in them. You don't have to pump!"  Age 5

Dad: "Come on, Kameron, get dressed."
Kameron: "I don't want to. It's too much trouble."
Dad: "What do you mean, it's too much trouble? Why?"
Kameron: "Because you have to move your body around so much!"

Kameron: "Dad, why do you get mad at people you love?"
Dad: "I don't know, honey. That's a good question."
Kameron: "No, it's not. It's a bad question!"

When Kameron saw his baby sister for the first time, he noticed the tiny red birthmark between her eyebrows (that showed up faintly the rest of her life if she got overheated!) and said "Oh, look, she has an owie!" and promptly kissed it to make it "all better."

And thus began the big brother, little sister relationship....complex, competitive, belly-laughing funny, loving...

Butterflies are Free

You come back to us as little white butterflies and I look for you every day. There are two songs entitled "Butterflies are Free". The one I keep hearing in my head was from a play turned into a movie with Goldie Hawn and Edward Albert, Jr. in the early '70's. I loved that movie when I was so young. The other song is by Debbie Gibson, one that I've never heard.  And I wonder, where are you?

So why the crying?
Were our brave words lying
when we both agreed
there'd be no tears in our goodbying?
Butterflies are free, and so are.
                                             S. Schwartz
Free to come and go
free to spread their wings,
know that I'll know
you'll come back to me.

You see a light,
you hear the call,
and if I don't let you fly,
I don't know you at all.
So go on and roam,
see all that you can,
Born unto this earth a curious soul,
you and you alone can make you feel whole...
                                               D. Gibson

Hugs

Kameron, Kathie Hanna (Kindergarten teacher for all of you!), Kenna 1986

When I first met your Grandma Tidwell, I gave her a big hug. She just stood there with her arms down so I grabbed her hands and wrapped them around me and said she had to hug back for a hug to be real. I'd like to take credit for teaching her to hug, but I know that came from the three of you. How could anyone resist those outstretched arms, running in for a hug? When you were in Kindergarten, you and a cute sixth grade girl recited the Hugs poem for the annual poetry recital. You were both so adorable in your matching handmade t-shirts and lavender leggings and purple bows in your hair! She kneeled down so you would be the same height. It was a long poem and you both recited it perfectly. I can still see that grin and hear your sweet, little, cartoonish voice. You took a huge breath along with your bow at the end. You were the bomb, Kenna Lindsay!

                     Hugs

It's wondrous what a hug can do
a hug can cheer you when you're blue
A hug can say "I love you so!"
or "Gee, I hate to see you go.

A hug is "Welcome back again!'
or "Great to see you! Where have you been?"
A hug can soothe a small child's pain,
or bring a rainbow after the rain.

A hug, there's just no doubt about it,
We scarcely can survive without it!
A hugs delights and warms and charms,
it must be why God gave us arms.

Hugs are great for fathers and mothers,
sweet for sisters, swell for brothers!
And chances are your favorite aunts,
love them more than potted plants!

Kittens crave them, puppies love them,
heads of state are not above them.
A hug can break the language barrier
and make travel so much merrier!

No need to worry about your store of "em,
the more you give, the more you have of 'em!
So stretch those arms without delay,
and give someone a hug today!

Recited June, 1986

Hugging at  June Lake 1982

Hot Town, Summer in the City

Kenton and I went to the bank today. We were laughing about how he would always comment about how long the line was or was not by saying "It's a three (or one or two) sucker wait!" so he could justify how many suckers he could have. Do you remember one very hot, over 100 degree day, when you all wanted to wait outside because they had just put in a pond with a fountain in front of the bank? When I came out, you were all knee deep in the little pond, splashing and laughing! It explained why all the people waiting in line behind me had smiles on their faces!
Earlier, I ran into Gerri, the receptionist at Dr. Brown's dental office. We talked about how the numbing agents did not work on any of you and we did not know that for years! Years! Sometimes having a high pain threshold isn't always a good thing. When we finally figured it out, we asked you all why you hadn't told Dr. Brown that you never got numb or that it hurt. Kameron said you didn't know that it wasn't supposed to hurt sometimes and that you didn't want to "hurt Dr. Brown's feelings" and you said "And we love him!"! Gerri remembered all your K names and how funny and smart you were and then she asked how you were all doing. It's so hard to explain when I see people who don't know. What to say, how much to say.. I guess it depends on who is asking and how well they knew you. Gerri deserved an explanation but it was such a hard conversation to have with her. She was shocked and saddened like everyone, yet, like most conversations about you, we always come back to great stories and memories. Smiles mingled with the tears as she described your beautiful blue eyes, blond hair and smile. Dr. Brown always told everyone the Tidwell kids were the most intelligent patients he ever had. You made an impact everywhere, my sweet girl.

Landslide

You chose such a breathtakingly beautiful place to be at peace at last. Your Uncle Pat found the special spot and I know you would have approved. The day we came to scatter your ashes around the massive trunk and reaching branches of a Bristlecone Pine tree, a bald eagle circled above it for a few seconds and then vanished. A bald eagle, Kenna! An amazing sign that you were there! The ancient tree stands high on the hill as if guarding the waters below. You can see your beloved little cabin from so high up there. The lake is surrounded by beautiful pine trees, colorful aspens, craggy rocks. And in the center is the indescribable blue water of June Lake. At times, it seems to be the color of your eyes, twinkle and all. Your Uncle Mike, Aunt Jill and cousin Shannon took a  picture when it was covered in new snow.They made a snow angel for you and sent us the picture. I keep it under the glass on my desk so I can always remember your are my angel, you are where you wanted to be. But I wish you were here, my baby girl.

"So take my love 

take it down,

and if you see my reflection

in the snow covered hills,

Well, the landslide will take you down

the landslide will take you down." Stevie Nicks

Tears of a Clown

The saddest words I ever heard were, "Mama, It used to be so easy to be me..." It still breaks my heart to remember how you looked when you said them. I've tried to start this blog so many times to honor you Kenna, but I didn't know where to begin. Today I remembered those words with an ache in my heart and realized there is no beginning or ending with you. So I am just going to start. I want to share the memories that tell your story and celebrate how easy it was to be you. And how hard it became. I always wished on your star every night for things to be easier for you, now I just pray for your peace. A good friend asked me recently if I believed you were at peace and I realized I hadn't thought of it in those terms. But because you told us in your letters that that is what you wanted, I have to believe you achieved what you needed.
Today "Tears of a Clown" was playing on the Mama Mix #1 cd you made for me and reminded me of my "true love" in high school. I wrote "I luv Ron" everywhere, on the dryer, in the steam on the mirror, on the furniture, everywhere I could. After a period of time, Mom said if she saw it one more time, I would be grounded. On the walk to the school bus that morning, a soft snow had fallen and there was a large windshield on a car near the bus stop. Of course, I luv Ron just fit on that perfect canvas as I traced it with my gloved hand. How was I to know Mom would walk to the store that day? Guess who was grounded when we got home? Then I remembered when you were four and no one in the neighborhood could play one day because they were all grounded. Hard to believe but up until then, you had never been "grounded" and you insisted that I ground you like all of your friends. So I sent you to your room and said you were grounded. About an hour later, you came out and listed all the reasons grounding was "quite a waste of my time and please don't ever do that again!"
Later that year of the I luv Ron writings, he was killed in a head on collision with three of his best friends. No one called it drunk driving then and people actually felt bad for the woman who hit them because "she would have to live with it forever". How things change. I chose the name for Kameron to honor Ron in some small measure and when I told his mother, she cried. I was a young mother but I remember thinking, "When will she ever stop crying, when will it stop hurting?" Now I know that answer...never. I used to visit his grave and the last time when I went with you, his mother and father had been laid to rest beside him. And I have to believe they are together, at peace at last, because you told me they were.