I left school at the end of the day with the full intention to return and get things ready for Open House. But something made me turn my car down a side street I never take from school. As I drive, thinking, "Okay, now you are just going to get lost and waste time again...", I turn on the radio and it starts playing White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane.
"So down the rabbit hole I go, but at least you are by my side." I whisper out loud as I laugh and silently thank you for a funny moment in a long day. Then I turn onto another new street and what ran across right in front of my car? A white rabbit. "Shut the front door!" I shout and laugh incredulously. A white rabbit. Of course it did. A white rabbit! What was it doing in this residential neighborhood just hopping across the street? I pull over and get out to take a picture as it ran back across the street, stopping in the middle as if to listen to the song blaring from the car, turned and looked right at me, then continued on its journey under the fence. Of course it did.
"There is no use in trying." said Alice, "One can't believe in impossible things."
"I dare say you haven't had much practice. " said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."
I believe.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Why This Song?
I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done
And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say
To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do
Light up...
Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads
Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess
Snow Patrol
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done
And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say
To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do
Light up...
Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads
Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess
Snow Patrol
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Dream On
A few months ago, I had my first dream about you. Why it took so long and what it was about still alludes and haunts me ...
I didn't even see you in it, I just heard your voice and you were behind a small wall, telling me to go.
Last night, I had the first real dream. I came into a room and my Grandma and Grandpa Rake were there. Grandpa was standing behind Grandma who was sitting in a rocking chair with her eyes closed. (I don't remember ever seeing her in a rocking chair.) Grandpa looked healthy and happy and had that big grin on his face and was so happy to see me. Grandma opened her eyes with a startled look, saw me, smiled and said "Honey, Kenna's here."
I looked around and you were outside open french doors on a veranda with your back to me. You turned around and I ran and hugged you. It was a hug like nothing I've ever felt. I know it became hard for you to be physically affectionate with anyone and you always kept a slight distance, understandably so. But this time, you just melted into me, and me into you and it was the best feeling I can remember in so long. I couldn't let go and you didn't let go. It was the most serene, loving, amazing and peaceful connection.
Then I noticed the beautiful sunset and that everything was a pure, indescribable soft, yet bright white.
Everyone was draped softly in white, wispy, flowing cloth. No words...
Then I awoke.
My first thought was to cry because I didn't want to leave you, not then, not ever.
Then I realized it appeared to be similar to the stories people tell when they are revived after technically dying but being revived. I had been talking about that topic with friends this week so maybe I just continued the conversation in my sleep. I don't know what I believe anymore but what I do know is:
Karma
When I see you, you are seeing me.
Thank you for coming. If this is what I have to look forward to, it will be so hard to wait, but I think that was the message. Live now the best I can, look forward to reuniting with you and my loved ones gone before. I always believed everyone would be together some day, but this was the first time since you left that I actually realized you were all together.
I'm trying, honey, but I will always need all of your help.
I didn't even see you in it, I just heard your voice and you were behind a small wall, telling me to go.
Last night, I had the first real dream. I came into a room and my Grandma and Grandpa Rake were there. Grandpa was standing behind Grandma who was sitting in a rocking chair with her eyes closed. (I don't remember ever seeing her in a rocking chair.) Grandpa looked healthy and happy and had that big grin on his face and was so happy to see me. Grandma opened her eyes with a startled look, saw me, smiled and said "Honey, Kenna's here."
I looked around and you were outside open french doors on a veranda with your back to me. You turned around and I ran and hugged you. It was a hug like nothing I've ever felt. I know it became hard for you to be physically affectionate with anyone and you always kept a slight distance, understandably so. But this time, you just melted into me, and me into you and it was the best feeling I can remember in so long. I couldn't let go and you didn't let go. It was the most serene, loving, amazing and peaceful connection.
Then I noticed the beautiful sunset and that everything was a pure, indescribable soft, yet bright white.
Everyone was draped softly in white, wispy, flowing cloth. No words...
Then I awoke.
My first thought was to cry because I didn't want to leave you, not then, not ever.
Then I realized it appeared to be similar to the stories people tell when they are revived after technically dying but being revived. I had been talking about that topic with friends this week so maybe I just continued the conversation in my sleep. I don't know what I believe anymore but what I do know is:
Karma
When I see you, you are seeing me.
Thank you for coming. If this is what I have to look forward to, it will be so hard to wait, but I think that was the message. Live now the best I can, look forward to reuniting with you and my loved ones gone before. I always believed everyone would be together some day, but this was the first time since you left that I actually realized you were all together.
I'm trying, honey, but I will always need all of your help.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
What's In A Name?
It's so hard to go back to those first hours, but this story needed telling. It's time.
Grandma and Grandpa had just signed over the papers that morning for Kameron to take ownership of MYDARKO, your beloved Donnie Darko Subaru. It seemed the fitting thing to do. I cautiously drove it to Kamerons' and K.C.'s house, so afraid I would get into an accident before arriving. That day, we all sat in their backyard telling Kenna stories with family and friends. I told them about the huge container of cinnamon sticks you purchased the week before. When I asked why we needed such a large jar, you proceeded to tell me the logic behind your choice. "Well, Mama, you could buy the name brand jar in the fancy spice aisle which is very small and very expensive per ounce, or you could go to the ethnic food section and buy this jar, which cost much less for substantially more product. You do the math!" I started to say that maybe we could use them for potpourri or as package ties or in apple cider ...."Okay, Martha Stewart, stop right there!" you interrupted in your exasperated voice.
After you left us just days later, this just seemed so poignantly funny to me as I shared it with our family.
A few minutes later, Kenton asked for a ride to the mall. Kameron said I could take your car. "Oh no!" I said. "You know if I take that car now that it's arrived safely, I will get rear ended as soon as I leave the driveway." No one believed it, of course, but Kameron said I could take their old car instead if I'd rather. And that's what we did.
Kenton and I took off down the driveway, made a right turn, then another right turn, then a left turn. Waiting at the light, I saw a car make a u-turn in the middle of the street and try to come up behind me. He wasn't looking ahead, just behind, and sure enough, he ran right in to the back of the car. Kenton called Kameron and said we had been in an accident. Of course he laughed and didn't believe us because we had been gone for less than five minutes.
Kenton was calm and collected and dealt with the man, who was very apologetic. When he gave Kenton his phone number, Kenton dialed it on his phone and the man's phone rang in his pocket. What a clever brother you have as that was not even on my radar! I, having tried to hold back so many emotions for days, just lost it. Really lost it. I poured out the whole story about you and your death and the cars and our whole life story it appears, in a matter of seconds. This poor young man was without words while this crazy women was babbling and blubbering on the side of the road. After a few minutes, we moved both cars into the lot on the corner and he and Kenton exchanged information while I just sat on the curb in stunned disbelief.
When all was done, we went to leave and I apologized for becoming hysterical. He assured me that I had every right to do so and how sorry he was to have made this tragic time worse by his carelessness. He took all responsibility for the accident.
I finally thought to ask his name.
He reached out his hand to take mine and he said, "Dan. Dan Cinnamon."
"No, it's not!" I insisted loudly and laughed in disbelief. Thinking I misunderstood, he repeated it just the same way. Really? Who has the name Cinnamon? And at that moment, on that hot afternoon, in the incredulous irony of it all, I just sat back down on the curb and started to laugh hysterically. Again, this nice young man didn't know what to do. Kenton was smiling when I finally looked up at him and we both just knew you were still in charge, laughing with us.
If that isn't a Kennasent-in-your-face moment, what is?
It was only the first in what was to be a long line of them for our family and friends.
To be continued.....
Grandma and Grandpa had just signed over the papers that morning for Kameron to take ownership of MYDARKO, your beloved Donnie Darko Subaru. It seemed the fitting thing to do. I cautiously drove it to Kamerons' and K.C.'s house, so afraid I would get into an accident before arriving. That day, we all sat in their backyard telling Kenna stories with family and friends. I told them about the huge container of cinnamon sticks you purchased the week before. When I asked why we needed such a large jar, you proceeded to tell me the logic behind your choice. "Well, Mama, you could buy the name brand jar in the fancy spice aisle which is very small and very expensive per ounce, or you could go to the ethnic food section and buy this jar, which cost much less for substantially more product. You do the math!" I started to say that maybe we could use them for potpourri or as package ties or in apple cider ...."Okay, Martha Stewart, stop right there!" you interrupted in your exasperated voice.
After you left us just days later, this just seemed so poignantly funny to me as I shared it with our family.
A few minutes later, Kenton asked for a ride to the mall. Kameron said I could take your car. "Oh no!" I said. "You know if I take that car now that it's arrived safely, I will get rear ended as soon as I leave the driveway." No one believed it, of course, but Kameron said I could take their old car instead if I'd rather. And that's what we did.
Kenton and I took off down the driveway, made a right turn, then another right turn, then a left turn. Waiting at the light, I saw a car make a u-turn in the middle of the street and try to come up behind me. He wasn't looking ahead, just behind, and sure enough, he ran right in to the back of the car. Kenton called Kameron and said we had been in an accident. Of course he laughed and didn't believe us because we had been gone for less than five minutes.
Kenton was calm and collected and dealt with the man, who was very apologetic. When he gave Kenton his phone number, Kenton dialed it on his phone and the man's phone rang in his pocket. What a clever brother you have as that was not even on my radar! I, having tried to hold back so many emotions for days, just lost it. Really lost it. I poured out the whole story about you and your death and the cars and our whole life story it appears, in a matter of seconds. This poor young man was without words while this crazy women was babbling and blubbering on the side of the road. After a few minutes, we moved both cars into the lot on the corner and he and Kenton exchanged information while I just sat on the curb in stunned disbelief.
When all was done, we went to leave and I apologized for becoming hysterical. He assured me that I had every right to do so and how sorry he was to have made this tragic time worse by his carelessness. He took all responsibility for the accident.
I finally thought to ask his name.
He reached out his hand to take mine and he said, "Dan. Dan Cinnamon."
"No, it's not!" I insisted loudly and laughed in disbelief. Thinking I misunderstood, he repeated it just the same way. Really? Who has the name Cinnamon? And at that moment, on that hot afternoon, in the incredulous irony of it all, I just sat back down on the curb and started to laugh hysterically. Again, this nice young man didn't know what to do. Kenton was smiling when I finally looked up at him and we both just knew you were still in charge, laughing with us.
If that isn't a Kennasent-in-your-face moment, what is?
It was only the first in what was to be a long line of them for our family and friends.
To be continued.....
Ask and Ye Shall Receive
I'm sorry it took so long for me to visit your beautiful place of rest. When I did, I sat alone, on the top of that beautiful mountain, looking over the late evening turquoise blue of June Lake, the sunset colors of the aspens, and the blue haze of the night sky, highlighting the outline of your tree.
The mountains across the lake were aglow as the sun set. I looked up towards the top of your tree and there was the moon between the branches, in a hurry to rise, as if in a race with the setting sun. I sat on a rock and listened to the silence and asked you for a sign. Any sign. A bluebird for Grandma Judy, a blackbird for you, a pinecone dropping, the eagle who flew over the top of our tree when we scattered your ashes, any sign. I waited until it became dusk and I became concerned that the sign might be a meandering bear, so I decided to head back to the house. As I walked away, not bothering to wipe the tears, I turned to look one last time at the view. And I realized that was my sign, the golden sunset, the silver moon, the gentle breeze that reflected in the light on the slight waves on the lake. It was then I finally felt your peace for the first time.
My dear sweet Kenna, I should know better than to ask for a sign. They are all around me every day.
But you couldn't leave it at that, could you? As I rounded the curve by June Mountain, there, in the middle of the road, was the brightest blue bird I have ever seen. It didn't move as I came closer. It finally tilted it's head, looked at me and then flew away. My sad teardrops turned into streams of laughing tears.
I told K.C. about it when we went back the next day. I left her alone to talk to you in private and she was surprised to see a pinecone near her. I wasn't surprised at all when she told me because of the pinecone thread that has been running through our lives forever. And then, just to make sure I got the message that you were present, on the way home, there, in the middle of the road, in the same spot as the bluebird, was one tiny blackbird. Once again, laughing through the tears. What else could we do?
Blackbird singing in the dead of night,
take these broken wings and learn to fly,
all your life,
you were only waiting for this moment to arrive,
you were only waiting for this moment to be free.
The mountains across the lake were aglow as the sun set. I looked up towards the top of your tree and there was the moon between the branches, in a hurry to rise, as if in a race with the setting sun. I sat on a rock and listened to the silence and asked you for a sign. Any sign. A bluebird for Grandma Judy, a blackbird for you, a pinecone dropping, the eagle who flew over the top of our tree when we scattered your ashes, any sign. I waited until it became dusk and I became concerned that the sign might be a meandering bear, so I decided to head back to the house. As I walked away, not bothering to wipe the tears, I turned to look one last time at the view. And I realized that was my sign, the golden sunset, the silver moon, the gentle breeze that reflected in the light on the slight waves on the lake. It was then I finally felt your peace for the first time.
My dear sweet Kenna, I should know better than to ask for a sign. They are all around me every day.
But you couldn't leave it at that, could you? As I rounded the curve by June Mountain, there, in the middle of the road, was the brightest blue bird I have ever seen. It didn't move as I came closer. It finally tilted it's head, looked at me and then flew away. My sad teardrops turned into streams of laughing tears.
I told K.C. about it when we went back the next day. I left her alone to talk to you in private and she was surprised to see a pinecone near her. I wasn't surprised at all when she told me because of the pinecone thread that has been running through our lives forever. And then, just to make sure I got the message that you were present, on the way home, there, in the middle of the road, in the same spot as the bluebird, was one tiny blackbird. Once again, laughing through the tears. What else could we do?
Blackbird singing in the dead of night,
take these broken wings and learn to fly,
all your life,
you were only waiting for this moment to arrive,
Sunday, June 17, 2012
"Starring Kevin Costner as Kevin Costner!"
I miss your running joke about Kevin Costner. He still is one of my favorite actors and I know this because I watched Dances with Wolves again today for probably the 30th time. I had to reflect that maybe it's not as much his acting as it is the roles he chooses. Maybe it's because he looks a little like my dad. Dad is kind of a cross between Costner and Steve McQueen. Whatever the reason, you always gave me a bad time about liking him because you thought his acting wasn't really acting, just him being him. You'd laugh and say "Oh, look, it's Dances with Wolves, starring... Kevin Costner... as ... Kevin Costner!", or "Message in a Bottle starring... Kevin Costner ... as ... Kevin Costner!" And so it would go with any film bearing his presence.
What you didn't know and might have found interesting and perhaps elevated your view of him are the following tidbits:
Dances with Wolves and Field of Dreams are among the American Film Institute's 100 Most Inspiring Movies of All Time.
He turned down Jeff Bridge's role (albeit of his best performances!) in Jagged Edge and the Kill Bill roles!
"I made a life. I pretend to be heroes, that’s what I’ve gotten to play but that doesn’t make me."
K. Costner
But I think you would have loved his recent mini-series, "The Hatfield's and The McCoys", even if you couldn't admit it! Everyone else in the series were actors you liked!
His band also has a song out that has become quite popular, so there is no denying he has talent, and even you might concede to that!
By graveyards and battlefields that blood still stains
Back to a time when the angels came
Walking all alone in the Southern rain
In the forests and the fields so many men were killed
I can hear their cries still echo through these hills
That was the time when the angels came
Walking all alone in the Southern rain
The angels came down to the fallen men
They held their hands and they prayed for them
They carried their souls beyond the moon and the sun
All the way to heaven one by one
The angels worked so hard for so many years
To heaven and back again they shed so many tears
They left no one and they placed no blame
Walking all alone in the Southern rain
The angels came down to the fallen men
They held their hands and they prayed for them
They carried their souls beyond the moon and the sun
All the way to heaven one by one
Walking all alone in the Southern rain
Never heal the troubles never heal the pain
But that was the time when the angels came
Walking all alone in the Southern Rain
While looking for the lyrics to Angels Came Down, I found another song. When I do my silly dance for you in the moonlight, I now hear this song in my head. And I think how happy I am that it is performed by Kevin Costner... as Kevin Costner!
Nowhere to go but down from here
Here am I wishing that you were near
But it all came crashing down
You were nowhere to be found
Yeah I remember your little girl smile
I guess never had you
Just held you for a little while
Till it all came crashing down
You were nowhere to be found
There’s still pieces all around scattered everywhere
You could break my heart girl a thousand times or more
I’d still come running back to knock upon your door
Don’t get me wrong I really ain’t that mad
You’re just the best thing I’ve ever had
And I remember last November
Yeah I see right to the day
You turned around and walked away
Then it all came crashing down -
You were nowhere to be found
There’s still pieces all around
Pieces of my broken heart
The Moon So High tonight
Nowhere to go but down from here
Well you’d think by now I might’ve learned to say goodbye
But I’ll never say goodbye I’ll never say goodbye ...
What you didn't know and might have found interesting and perhaps elevated your view of him are the following tidbits:
Dances with Wolves and Field of Dreams are among the American Film Institute's 100 Most Inspiring Movies of All Time.
He turned down Jeff Bridge's role (albeit of his best performances!) in Jagged Edge and the Kill Bill roles!
"I made a life. I pretend to be heroes, that’s what I’ve gotten to play but that doesn’t make me."
K. Costner
But I think you would have loved his recent mini-series, "The Hatfield's and The McCoys", even if you couldn't admit it! Everyone else in the series were actors you liked!
His band also has a song out that has become quite popular, so there is no denying he has talent, and even you might concede to that!
Angels Came Down
Walking all alone in the Southern rainBy graveyards and battlefields that blood still stains
Back to a time when the angels came
Walking all alone in the Southern rain
In the forests and the fields so many men were killed
I can hear their cries still echo through these hills
That was the time when the angels came
Walking all alone in the Southern rain
The angels came down to the fallen men
They held their hands and they prayed for them
They carried their souls beyond the moon and the sun
All the way to heaven one by one
The angels worked so hard for so many years
To heaven and back again they shed so many tears
They left no one and they placed no blame
Walking all alone in the Southern rain
The angels came down to the fallen men
They held their hands and they prayed for them
They carried their souls beyond the moon and the sun
All the way to heaven one by one
Walking all alone in the Southern rain
Never heal the troubles never heal the pain
But that was the time when the angels came
Walking all alone in the Southern Rain
While looking for the lyrics to Angels Came Down, I found another song. When I do my silly dance for you in the moonlight, I now hear this song in my head. And I think how happy I am that it is performed by Kevin Costner... as Kevin Costner!
Moon So High
Moon’s so highNowhere to go but down from here
Here am I wishing that you were near
But it all came crashing down
You were nowhere to be found
Yeah I remember your little girl smile
I guess never had you
Just held you for a little while
Till it all came crashing down
You were nowhere to be found
There’s still pieces all around scattered everywhere
You could break my heart girl a thousand times or more
I’d still come running back to knock upon your door
Don’t get me wrong I really ain’t that mad
You’re just the best thing I’ve ever had
And I remember last November
Yeah I see right to the day
You turned around and walked away
Then it all came crashing down -
You were nowhere to be found
There’s still pieces all around
Pieces of my broken heart
The Moon So High tonight
Nowhere to go but down from here
Well you’d think by now I might’ve learned to say goodbye
But I’ll never say goodbye I’ll never say goodbye ...
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Baja or Bust!
 |
| Frigate |
So beautiful and peaceful with lovely people not in a hurry. The Tamale Lady brought fresh tamales our first morning. We fished off their boat and saw brown pelicans, frigates, and ospreys sitting on their huge nests high atop the rocks.I put the proverbial "message in a bottle" for you and Dad and Pam will send it out in the Sea of Cortez. You loved the water when you were little, not so much when you got older. I hope you are traveling to all the places you ever dreamed of and more and finding the peace there that you couldn't find here.
Dad saw the same beautiful angel cloud in Baja that Chana and I saw on the playground. We have no doubt who it was. A painting waiting.
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