Another Mother's Day arrives tomorrow. I will always be a mother of three and celebrate that everyday. But it will always be a bittersweet day for me no matter how many years pass.
This year seems laden with more sorrow and helplessness than one family should have to shoulder.
Just when we begin to laugh and smile again without the guilt (almost) or think what a beautiful day it is without the immediate after thoughts of doubt, something else seems to rear it's ugly head and shout, "You didn't think it was going to get easier, did you!?"
What is this? This is the life other people have, the life you look at and think how grateful you are to have what you have and not be in that situation. But now it seems people look at us and think that.
Or do they wonder why? Why do terrible things happen to good people?
We are good people. We are decent people. We are moral people. We are mothers and brothers and aunts and uncles and grandmas and grandpas and cousins and friends who just work hard, live simply, try to do the right thing, and love deeply. So why? I have no answers.
I want to live up to what you asked of all of us, but then I think you couldn't have known how hard this would be. And yet, through my most painful heartache and tears, I realize that you could know, because with as much pain as we are in and when I think we can't take any more, I remember that your pain was expedentially worse. Ours does not compare and I know that in my heart, but that doesn't make it hurt less. We miss you every second of every minute of every day of every week of every month of every year. And that will never change. Closure does not exist when you lose your daughter the way I lost you. Closure is a word that should be relegated to the "Outta Here" box.

"Seriously? You had a doll made from my picture? Kinda creepy, Mama. But... thanks."

 

 

Graduation 1998

So, tomorrow I will celebrate knowing it is what you want and what Kameron, Kenton and K.C. deserve from a mother who cherishes and loves every moment with them. But know that at evening's end, I will still do my silly dance under the moonlight for you and look up to the heavens to find you. I know you'll be waiting.

I know we have the most wonderful friends and they support us in so many ways, but today they all went the extra mile (pun intended!) to help us on this journey. K.C. started Team Kenna Lindsay for the National Association of Mental Illness "NAMI Walk" to honor you. What an awesome tribute. We walked to bring awareness to this issue that affects every family everyday.
It was a perfectly beautiful, sunny, soft breezy day to walk together in the park. And at the conclusion, without asking, our friends said they will be back next year. I couldn't speak. Even now when I write those words, it makes me teary.
Your aunt Chebyl came and next year she's bringing her dogs! The Charlie's Angels girls and school friends came; Debi, Robin, Vickie, Pat, Lynn, Jennie and her daughter and husband! Karin and her girls came even after Paige broke her foot just the day before and her mom and your brother took turns pulling her in the wagon. Violet built a beautiful Fairy Garden in the park. Kenton and Jenna and Kameron and K.C. and Mina and Mama represented you with love and a little limping!
So many others walked with us in spirit and donated to the cause. K.C. raised over $1,200.00 in your name! Blessings come in all forms. You will never be forgotten, Kenna Lindsay.

                                                    Team Kenna Lindsay April 27, 2013

Go Ask Alice

I left school at the end of the day with the full intention to return and get things ready for Open House. But something made me turn my car down a side street I never take from school. As I drive, thinking, "Okay, now you are just going to get lost and waste time again...",  I turn on the radio and it starts playing White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane.
"So down the rabbit hole I go, but at least you are by my side." I whisper out loud as I laugh and silently thank you for a funny moment in a long day. Then I turn onto another new street and what ran across right in front of my car? A white rabbit. "Shut the front door!"  I shout and laugh  incredulously. A white rabbit. Of course it did. A white rabbit! What was it doing in this residential neighborhood just hopping across the street? I pull over and get out to take a picture as it ran back across the street, stopping in the middle as if to listen to the song blaring from the car, turned and looked right at me, then continued on its journey under the fence. Of course it did.

"There is no use in trying." said Alice, "One can't believe in impossible things."
"I dare say you haven't had much practice. " said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

I believe.

Why This Song?

 I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up...

Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

Snow Patrol

Dream On

A few  months ago, I had my first dream about you. Why it took so long and what it was about still alludes and haunts me ...
I didn't even see you in it, I just heard your voice and you were behind a small wall, telling me to go.

Last night, I had the first real dream. I came into a room and my Grandma and Grandpa Rake were there. Grandpa was standing behind Grandma who was sitting in a rocking chair with her eyes closed. (I don't remember ever seeing her in a rocking chair.) Grandpa looked healthy and happy and had that big grin on his face and was so happy to see me. Grandma opened her eyes with a startled look, saw me, smiled and said "Honey, Kenna's here."
I looked around and you were outside open french doors on a veranda with your back to me. You turned around and I ran and hugged you. It was a hug like nothing I've ever felt. I know it became hard for you to be physically affectionate with anyone and you always kept a slight distance, understandably so. But this time, you just melted into me, and me into you and it was the best feeling I can remember in so long. I couldn't let go and you didn't let go. It was the most serene, loving, amazing and peaceful connection.
Then I noticed the beautiful sunset and that everything was a pure, indescribable soft, yet bright white.
Everyone was draped softly in white, wispy, flowing cloth. No words...
Then I awoke.
My first thought was to cry because I didn't want to leave you, not then, not ever.
Then I realized it appeared to be similar to the stories people tell when they are revived after technically dying but being revived. I had been talking about that topic with friends this week so maybe I just continued the conversation in my sleep. I don't know what I believe anymore but what I do know is:

Karma
When I see you, you are seeing me.

Thank you for coming. If this is what I have to look forward to, it will be so hard to wait, but I think that was the message. Live now the best I can, look forward to reuniting with you and my loved ones gone before. I always believed everyone would be together some day, but this was the first time since you left that I actually realized you were all together.
I'm trying, honey, but I will always need all of your help.

What's In A Name?

It's so hard to go back to those first hours, but this story needed telling. It's time.
Grandma and Grandpa had just signed over the papers that morning for Kameron to take ownership of MYDARKO, your beloved Donnie Darko Subaru. It seemed the fitting thing to do. I cautiously drove it to Kamerons' and K.C.'s house, so afraid I would get into an accident before arriving. That day, we all sat in their backyard telling Kenna stories with family and friends. I told them about the huge container of cinnamon sticks you purchased the week before. When I asked why we needed such a large jar, you proceeded to tell me the logic behind your choice. "Well, Mama, you could buy the name brand jar in the fancy spice aisle which is very small and very expensive per ounce, or you could go to the ethnic food section and buy this jar, which cost much less for substantially more product. You do the math!" I started to say that maybe we could use them for potpourri or as package ties or in apple cider ...."Okay, Martha Stewart, stop right there!" you interrupted in your exasperated voice.
After you left us just days later, this just seemed so poignantly funny to me as I shared it with our family.
A few minutes later, Kenton asked for a ride to the mall. Kameron said I could take your car. "Oh no!" I said. "You know if I take that car now that it's arrived safely, I will get rear ended as soon as I leave the driveway." No one believed it, of course, but Kameron said I could take their old car instead if I'd rather. And that's what we did.
Kenton and I took off down the driveway, made a right turn, then another right turn, then a left turn. Waiting at the light, I saw a car make a u-turn in the middle of the street and try to come up behind me. He wasn't looking ahead, just behind, and sure enough, he ran right in to the back of the car. Kenton called Kameron and said we had been in an accident. Of course he laughed and didn't believe us because we had been gone for less than five minutes.
Kenton was calm and collected and dealt with the man, who was very apologetic. When he gave Kenton his phone number, Kenton dialed it on his phone and the man's phone rang in his pocket. What a clever brother you have as that was not even on my radar! I, having tried to hold back so many emotions for days, just lost it. Really lost it. I poured out the whole story about you and your death and the cars and our whole life story it appears, in a matter of seconds. This poor young man was without words while this crazy women was babbling and blubbering on the side of the road. After a few minutes, we moved both cars into the lot on the corner and he and Kenton exchanged information while I just sat on the curb in stunned disbelief.
When all was done, we went to leave and I apologized for becoming hysterical. He assured me that I had every right to do so and how sorry he was to have made this tragic time worse by his carelessness. He took all responsibility for the accident.
I finally thought to ask his name.
He reached out his hand to take mine and he said, "Dan. Dan Cinnamon."
"No, it's not!" I insisted loudly and laughed in disbelief. Thinking I misunderstood, he repeated it just the same way. Really? Who has the name Cinnamon? And at that moment, on that hot afternoon, in the incredulous irony of it all, I just sat back down on the curb and started to laugh hysterically. Again, this nice young man didn't know what to do. Kenton was smiling when I finally looked up at him and we both just knew you were still in charge, laughing with us.
If that isn't a Kennasent-in-your-face moment, what is?
It was only the first in what was to be a long line of them for our family and friends.
To be continued.....

Ask and Ye Shall Receive

I'm sorry it took so long for me to visit your beautiful place of rest. When I did, I sat alone, on the top of that beautiful mountain, looking over the late evening turquoise blue of June Lake, the sunset colors of the aspens, and the blue haze of the night sky, highlighting the outline of your tree.
The mountains across the lake were aglow as the sun set. I looked up towards the top of your tree and there was the moon between the branches, in a hurry to rise, as if in a race with the setting sun. I sat on a rock and listened to the silence and asked you for a sign. Any sign. A bluebird for Grandma Judy, a blackbird for you, a pinecone dropping, the eagle who flew over the top of our tree when we scattered your ashes, any sign. I waited until it became dusk and I became concerned that the sign might be a meandering bear, so I decided to head back to the house. As I walked away, not bothering to wipe the tears, I turned to look one last time at the view. And I realized that was my sign, the golden sunset, the silver moon, the gentle breeze that reflected in the light on the slight waves on the lake. It was then I finally felt your peace for the first time.
My dear sweet Kenna, I should know better than to ask for a sign. They are all around me every day.
But you couldn't leave it at that, could you? As I rounded the curve by June Mountain, there, in the middle of the road, was the brightest blue bird I have ever seen. It didn't move as I came closer. It finally tilted it's head, looked at me and then flew away. My sad teardrops turned into streams of laughing tears.
I told K.C. about it when we went back the next day. I left her alone to talk to you in private and she was surprised to see a pinecone near her. I wasn't surprised at all when she told me because of the pinecone thread that has been running through our lives forever. And then, just to make sure I got the message that you were present, on the way home, there, in the middle of the road, in the same spot as the bluebird, was one tiny blackbird. Once again, laughing through the tears. What else could we do?


                                                 Blackbird singing in the dead of night, 
                                                take these broken wings and learn to fly, 
                                                                    all your life, 
                                          you were only waiting for this moment to arrive, 

                                           you were only waiting for this moment to be free.